A Different Type of Black and White
by AeriaGloriis
Summary: We met when I was 9 and had 8 awesome, amazing years together, until she disappeared. After 5 years she was back and carrying a sword with her. From then on, I was determined to know what she'd been through. And not let her out of my sight again.
1. Chapter 1

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Bleach or any characters associated with Bleach.

Angst abound. You've been forewarned. :D

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Ch 1

When you're young, you don't think about all the shit that can go wrong. You don't think about how life is so uncertain. People can be ripped away from you at any moment. You don't think about shit like that, 'least most kids don't. But I knew how that felt at an early age. When mom died, I knew how that felt all too well. My mothers death was hella hard on me, but with a lot of time, I got over it. That's how it normally goes. The pain'll ease with time and support from loved ones; a shoulder to lean on. I mainly have Rukia to thank for that. She wasn't a loved one, at the time. And she was hardly the type to lend me a shoulder to cry on. But through our long friendship, she gave me all of what I needed and then some. Without even trying, just by being herself. She was that stability I needed that I couldn't completely find in my family. At first, I'd been almost afraid to let her in, and it's hardly surprising. My mom had been snatched away from me only a little while before. But I did, and it was probably the best decision I ever made. She made me feel whole again. So you can only imagine, and even then, you really don't have a damn clue as to how I felt when I thought she'd been snatched away from me too.

:::

It was really hot that day. A break between our junior and senior year. We'd only been out of school about 3 days and I'd spent most of it with Rukia, doing the usual. Bumming around her brothers mansion (he's loaded), avoiding my dad when we went back to my place, prowling the streets with Renji, bored as shit with nothing to do; the usual. Until I had to part ways from them. I had a curfew, neither of them did. So I went home at around 11:30 and was knocked out cold by about 2:00 a.m. A normal day, normal evening, normal night.

The next day I got up late, it was almost an hour past noon. When I sat up, I fully expected to see Rukia in my room, sitting at my desk. She could literally function on five hours of sleep nightly and was always up at practically dawn. She'd normally come to my house and dad was usually around to let her in. She'd come up to my room and read my manga or fool around on my computer till I woke up. And then there's those times that she would be purposefully loud to ruin what sleep I had left anyways.

But not today. She wasn't around and it was getting late and I was getting curious as to where she was. So I got up and left out. I went to her place first, but no one let me in at the gate. I remember rolling my eyes. Byakuya was always trying to find ways to keep me out of his entirely _un_humble abode. Byakuya had never liked me and I had never really given a shit. I had my ways. I scaled the gate only to find out it was for nothing. She wasn't there. In fact, she wasn't _anywhere._ I called and text her, went to all our favorite hangout spots. I called and text Renji too. I was getting goddamn worried. It was rolling on midnight and I hadn't heard from her all day and it just wasn't like her. Renji either.

But none of that mattered in the end anyways. Come to find out later, my girl, my best friend, had _died._ Fucking _died _man. But you couldn't really call it that. She'd been hit by a car; killed. They'd both been hit. Her and Renji. Rukia, probably because she wasn't paying attention. Renji, because he was trying to knock her out the way. I know because I would have done the same thing for her. A fatal car wreck killing one teenager upon collision and putting the other in a coma while the driver got off with a mild concussion and some bruising. Fuck it wasn't fair. _Goddammit, _so fucking unfair.

:::

I missed a week or so of school to get over that shock, that depression; to get all that shit out of my system. It wasn't enough, I should have taken a month. Coming back to that dull classroom and seeing that horribly empty desk next to mine, and knowing that it was going to _stay_ empty, literally made me sick. On that first day back I hadn't even sat through the morning lecture before I was stumbling down the hall to the nearest restroom to puke my guts out, as silent tears rolled down my face. Oddly enough that was the first time I cried about it, in that bathroom slumped over the toilet. I cried until my head hurt, my throat was numb, and my stomach was sore from my earlier retching and trying to suppress the sobs. I told myself I wouldn't cry again. Rukia'd have been kicking the shit out of me if she saw me looking so pathetic. So I sucked it up and went home. I stayed out of school another week, but I never cried for her again, no matter how much I needed to.

Honestly, time flew after those first few weeks. When the shit first happened, I thought I wouldn't even be able to make it through the day. But soon enough, after those three weeks of school I missed, it was surprisingly simple and routine to go through the everyday shit without her next to me, but it sure as hell wasn't easy. My mind was always on her. I'd find myself turning to my side (the side that she _should_ be next to) to tell her something or just talk to her, only to find that she wasn't there and to remember that she would never _be _there ever again. The first time it happened I was with a group of people. Keigo, Mizuiro, Tatsuki, Inoue and Chad. I had turned to my side to elbow her roughly in the ribs and had uttered her name before I even knew what was happening. The group quieted for a few long seconds until conversation started back up again, louder this time to cool off the tense atmosphere. I excused myself and went home after that. They all knew how hard I took her death. That wasn't the last time it happened though.

But after that first month without her, or maybe the second, something weird began to happen. Weird and… and _scary_. I don't know what I was talking about, can't remember, but I mentioned Rukia at school to Keigo one day. I tried not to talk about her most times. People would usually get that fucking sympathetic look when I did, and I could never take much of that. I'd already been through that with mom and her death. There was nothing I hated more. But that day I brought up Rukia, even though it always caused me physical pain and when I did, I got something I never would've expected. Keigo's goofy smile vanished and he looked at me blankly. He cocked his head to the side and scratched it. His face scrunched up a little, shrugged and he _asked _me who Rukia was!

I was shocked to say the least, then extremely pissed; pissed beyond all reason. Keigo tends to have that affect on me as is, and then the fact that he seemed to be fooling around about something, something that everyone knew got to me in the deepest of ways. It surprised me. Keigo may be a dumbass retard but I'd never thought him to be so hurtful, so cruel. And hell, at one point he seemed to worship the ground Rukia walked on. I didn't get it. But I figured he had to be pulling one on me. _Had_ to.

Come to find out later, he wasn't. None of them _knew. _After I almost decked him in the jaw so hard it would have broke for acting like a hideously insufferable bastard, he frantically called over Mizuiro and Tatsuki. Funny thing is, they acted the same way he did. They didn't know her either. Ishida, Chad, Inoue. _None of them knew. _Even sensei_._ I didn't know if it was some kind of goddamn cosmic joke. Some horrible, shitty 'fool Ichigo and lets make him feel even more shitty, even more depressed, even more like hell than he already has for the past two months' joke.

But my family was the same. Rukia'd spent so much time over the house that she had her own spot at the dinner table, but only a few months after her death my family _couldn't fucking remember her?_ Dad, the idiot that proclaimed her to be his third daughter the first time he met her, _couldn't remember? _How could dad forget his third fucking daughter for Christ sake?

I even visited Renji at the hospital. I know I'd been a shitty friend. I had barely been to see him in the two months since her passing. He'd come around and woke from the coma three weeks before and I hadn't been to the hospital at all. As horrible as it sounds, I just didn't want to see him. He was a big fat reminder of what happened to Rukia and I just couldn't take it, cowardly or not.

I walked in his room and that big grin spread across his face. He was happy to see me. We clapped hands and I felt even worse, thinking they must have already told him about her dying at the scene. He didn't bring it up but I thought he was just trying to put it behind him. Knowing that I could possibly ruin that for him, I said her name anyway. It was selfish, but I didn't care. I needed to know that I wasn't alone, that I wasn't the only person. I wasn't loosing my mind cause Renji would know. He'd known Rukia longer than I had, since their diaper days. He _had_ to remember. A brief flash of recognition passed his face, I saw it, it was there, but then it was gone just as fast. I left his room abruptly before he could ask who I was talking about, hearing him call out to me as I walked away.

After that, I stopped bringing Rukia up. People were starting to look at me funny and ask if I was 'ok'. I couldn't take that any more than the sympathetic looks.

I didn't know what to do. I mean, what _do_ you do about a girl that you knew, your best friend, that was killed in a car wreck and now seemed to have been erased from everyone's memories? I'd never felt such sheer and absolute devastation in my life. I'd never felt so alone. I was - I was really fucked up over it for a long while because I didn't know what to _do._ It was like something out of the Twilight Zone. So eerie, so cryptic. And I was so confused, yet I swear there was nothing I could do.

:::

Again, time moved fast for me. With it moving so quickly, five years had passed and I hadn't even noticed. I had managed to salvage my frindship with Renji earlier on. I clung to him. He was the only real link to Rukia's memory that I had. None of my other friends were particularly close with her. But even if he couldn't, I could remember the times the three of us had together.

Five years had passed and life just seemed to rush by in a cloud of meaninglessness and nothingness. I was out of high school years before. Graduated in the top ten percentile of my class. Highest marks the Kurosaki family had ever seen on a high school grad. College looked to definitely be in my future, but I just wasn't ready. I worked at the clinic with my dad after graduation. The old man was disappointed I opted out of the big text books and the higher education, but I didn't care. I was still battling depression and I honestly didn't want to do anything.

Towards the end of that fifth year, during the summer, I moved out. I was twenty-two. I no longer wanted to be a burden to my family and my depressing mood swings seemed to be affecting them, no matter how much they denied it. I had a good portion of money saved from the clinic and I was still working so I had a steady income. My first home was small, in the same apartment building as Chad. For the first time in a while I was happy, more or less. Being so close to Chad gave me some much needed company. A month later Inoue moved into the same building, saying it was closer to her cooking school. The company the both of them gave me helped me more than they will ever know. I was finally able to somewhat put Rukia's death and strange circumstances following behind me and try to focus on the happier things life has to offer. I'd spent too much time obsessing over it. It was time to move forward in that same painful process I'd been through thirteen years prior with mom. But I never forgot about her. I never could. I didn't want to.

:::

The day was hot again. Uncomfortably so. I had went home to visit and eat dinner with my family. I did this every week. Dad was still the same. He was graying at the temples but still so energetic. Still bat-shit insane. Karin and Yuzu were growing up, _had_ grown up. They'd already graduated high school and were headed off to college in a few weeks. I was so proud of them, but it depressed me deeply. To see how life just carried on when not all your loved ones could. Mom and Rukia would have given anything to see them so grown up, so matured. And it hurt to know that they'd never get the chance, or that they'd have to see from so far away.

I left my family just as it was getting dark outside. Some parts of me wish that I would have stayed so I didn't have to see what I saw that night, but then another much stronger part thanks the fucking stars at my timing.

As soon as I turned a corner to get to my apartment I saw a flash of black. And then the ground shook. I thought it was an earthquake at first, but then I heard the howling too. I looked around me but no one seemed to be noticing the howling, the screaming; just talking about the earthquake. But then I saw it, the figure in black again, which happened to be a girl. She was short and had dark hair, black hair cut in a very very familiar fashion. My heart stopped and time slowed and I literally almost lost it when a _monster_ stepped out in front of her. A fucking _monster_!

I thought I was dreaming but knew otherwise because that monster was too fucking scary and that howling was too fucking real to be anything my mind could have conjured on it's own. But none of that mattered. _Should _have, but it didn't. I watched on, enraptured and entranced as the girl took down that monster, _killed _that monster with an enormous wave of ice that came shooting out the tip of a sharp as shit looking pure white katana with a long snow colored ribbon attached to the hilt. When she swung that beautiful katana in a downward motion, the ice cracked and shattered, dissipating in the wind along with that monster she had incased in it.

I hadn't gotten a glimpse of this girls face, but I _knew_. I hadn't heard her speak, but I _knew_. I stood there, stock still on the corner of the street. Something happened that I didn't catch and her once pure white sword changed shape and color and turned into a regular katana, one that you could find easily enough if you checked the right places. She took that normal looking sword and sheathed it, and for some reason I got the feeling that she was leaving. I called out to her and shouted her name, what I thought was her name, surprised at how emotional and broken I sounded. But then again, I wasn't surprised. Not really.

The girl stiffened and slowly turned to face me. For some reason, as she slowly turned to me, I closed my eyes. I know I wouldn't be able to take it, _at all_, if this turned out not to be her. I'd fall to pieces. The pieces that I spent the past five years carefully gluing together and making sure no one saw how difficult a task it was. I didn't want that possibility. I didn't want to have to go through with that hell. So I closed my eyes and prayed that I'd wake up, even though this felt like no dream, before I broke even more than was already done. But then I heard a light gasp and my name float ever so softly from a voice I thought I'd never hear again.

My eyes sprang open and it was _her_. It was her, it was Rukia. In all her tiny four-foot something glory. Those big purple eyes trained on me as if she saw a ghost. At the irony from the look on her face, and in spite of the fact that I thought that I could very well be losing my mind, I smiled.

:::

That night, probably in the top 2 best moments of my life. Because of it, I like to go back and reminisce. To all the different moments I've had. Some good, some _great_. Yet I've had my fair share of shitty moments too. Probably more than my share; more than anyone's share. I just - ever since Rukia came back I find myself… reminiscing. Over and over. Like some goddamn old person that can't get over the past and move forward. But I have gotten over it, as best I can. And I have moved forward, to a place where I'm happy. It's just - going back over those parts of my life, seeing where I've come from, where _we've _come from… I - I dunno. I think all the shit I've been through has fucked me up. Traumatized me, in a way. But maybe it's good, cause I can appreciate what I have so much more. Makes all that wasn't so shitty in my life seem that much more golden to me. And so, maybe that's why I can't stop the memories…

And maybe, if I share some with you - maybe you'll see and be able to explain to me why, more so than I can.

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A/N: this won't be like the original Bleach story (as you can tell if you've read it). i am, though, taking concepts from the manga/anime. pretty much focusing on Bleach in a way where Rukia and Ichigo knew each other before... and, well, it's just different... Bleach told from a different angle (hence the name). i do promise that it won't be a retelling of what we've already seen in Bleach. when i say different, i mean different. just with similar shit.

Anyways, just throwin a new idea out there. Sooo, worth continuing or trashing? Review?


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any characters from Bleach.

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She was such a little thing back then.

She's always been small. Almost abnormally so. Small and tiny, compact and really petite. Even now, goddamn practically back from the dead and she's just as I remember. Little, delicate looking, yet anything but. The katana she carries now is proof enough. But back then, when we were kids and before we'd even met, she was even more soft, more fragile looking. And now that I think, I wonder if that's what always drew my attention to her. Clichéd sounding and pretty lame, but that saying, like a moth to a flame, comes to mind. It's just how it was.

Thinking back now, I remember those days before we met pretty easily. I wasn't sure how old she was, but now that I think - and calculate - she was about eight and a half; seven months from being nine. Heh. More like eight going on thirty-eight, actually. She was just so matured, too matured; way beyond her years. I remember thinking that, after we'd met. And it's still like that, till this day, _especially_ these days. Too much wisdom and age behind that amethyst stare. After I saw her again that night, Rukia with the sword, it was even worse. I'll get to that later though.

Now him, Renji; he's practically the same. Same ole' Renji, thirteen years later. Still unapologetically loud, crazy tall, completely irresponsible and totally rash, but the most fiercely loyal and compassionate person you could meet. He's a good friend. My closest, aside from Rukia. But the big red haired idiot, at the time when I'd first seen him and Rukia, he was already ten, way closer to eleven than I was. And even then I'd wondered how a damn-near eleven year old befriends an eight, going on nine year old girl. But really, that was only the tip of my curiosity, as far as they went.

Whenever I saw them, they were always so dirty. That's the first thing about them that I had noticed. My nine year old mind would marvel at their appearances, just imagining what fun they must be having and what wonderful games they must be playing to get so goddamn filthy. I wanted to be a part of it so badly. Stupid really, cause I didn't even know what _it _was.

And another thing I'd noticed about the clothes, Rukia in particular… as grubby as they always were, they looked new and expensive underneath that layer of dirt and grime. I used to cringe when I saw her walk past my mom and me, directly into mud, ruining her sparkly white tennis shoes seemingly without a care in the world.

I remember I'd tug on my moms hand and point in their direction.

"Ka-chan! Look at their clothes! Why don't they care that they're getting so dirty?"

Okasan just smiled at me, patted my head and said that she didn't know, but it didn't stop there.

"Ka-chan, it's them again, and they're-"

"Ka-chan! Look at what they're doing!"

"Ka-chan, can you believe-"

Everyday. Whenever I saw them, there was always something new to talk about.

_Did you see her just step in that mud, _again_? _

_That big boy sure does follow her all the time…_

_Ka-chan! She just hit him!_

So on and so forth.

And my mom; she really was no better after me bringing them up so many times, getting her attention just for them. She'd watch me as I watched them, catching my eye as I looked back over to her. She'd reach for my hand, giving me this knowing smile, nudging me in their direction with her hip.

"Come on Ichigo." she looked at me, a teasing note to her voice. "They look like sweet children. Especially the little dark haired girl. Maybe the three of you could become friends?" she asked.

"Noooo, Ka-chan!" I'd whine and blush, I remember. I'd tug at her hand as she half-dragged me along. I hadn't wanted to go over to where they were. I don't know why. I just remember feeling really timid about it all; anxious and nervous even.

Mom would let up on me after awhile, when she saw me getting agitated. She had squatted down in front of me one day, frowning lightly.

"What's the matter, Ichigo? Now I know you're not being shy, are you?" she clucked her tongue at me.

I remember frowning back and crossing my arms over my chest, saying nothing.

A smile had crept over the edges of her lips then.

"No. My big, strong Ichigo would never be shy." Her eyes had looked over my shoulder at the objects of our attention, smiling a little more widely. "He's just content with his friend Tatsuki-chan, right?" A twinkle caught her eye. "Besides, my big, strong little man can't go over there and talk to them, not until he can beat Tatsuki-chan in a match at least once. What would they think if they knew?"

And then I had exploded. "Yes I can too! And I have beat her! I _did_ do it once!"

Okasan would laugh and brush her fingers through my hair, and I'd forgive her the next second. The teasing was always playful, though my childish, manly pride would be wounded. But it didn't matter. I loved my mother deeply, I'd forgive her for anything. But sometimes I'd think about what she said and look across the street to where Renji and Rukia usually were, a weird longing in my chest. I didn't know why I was being so weird about it, about talking to them like okasan said I should. Cause I _was_ a man, 'least that's what I thought myself as. I was a man like my ka-chan told me I was, even if I couldn't beat a girl in a karate match.

I can laugh at it now, as I think back on it. A man? Seriously? Guess that's how kids are. Probably why okasan got such a kick out of teasing me.

But that feeling never left; that longing feeling. It was there every time I saw them. And I saw them everyday. Whenever me and my mom were walking home from the dojo, that's when I'd spot them. Rukia'd always been leading the way, a funny sight to see really. Though she was almost eight at the time she was, like I said, so small, so elfin. And Renji, he was pretty big for a ten year old. At least a whole head taller than I was, and just all around bigger. To put simply, he looked like some huge, preteen, bully kid stalking a six year old. They really were an odd duo. Funny, like I said before. I remember putting a hand to my mouth to stifle my laughter on occasion.

During those days, my attention was usually more focused on the Rukia rather than Renji, even though his fire engine red hair sure made him look fucking insane. I was just more drawn in to her. Like I said earlier, moth to a flame. Her appearance was pretty much the same as is now, even after the 'death' and 'disappearance'. Her jet black hair might have been a bit longer then, flowing freely to the upper middle of her back, still slightly curling at the ends. The odd bang hanging stiffly in the middle of her face has always been there, 'least as far as I can remember. And she could pull off that funny bang too. Instead of looking weird on her, it only added to her overall appeal and intrigue. Even more intriguing to me were her eyes, because I really didn't know what they looked like. Okasan and I were normally seeing them from across the street. I never really was able to say what color they were for the longest time. I was curious about that. And I blame the bang too. It was in the way.

Yet, what was weird was though I always saw her outside, she was still so pale, with the milkiest white skin. I wondered about that. I'd look down at my own arm, freckled and tanned from hours of playing outside. And this is going to sound stupid. Don't judge me, but I used to fancy her being a mystical princess with vampiric powers, a day walker, prowling the streets and keeping them safe, vanquishing any evil threatening the town, her loyal friend and subject at her side. I have no idea why. I'd even laugh to myself as I thought it, cause I knew it was crazy. And Renji, he'd kick my ass if he knew I used to think of him as Rukia's fucking subject. God I was the weirdest ass kid. My imagination was wild and rampant, all over the place. But really, my imaginings, they're not so laughable now.

But that's how it went for the longest time. We'd see them across the street on our way home. I'd look to them and have a million thoughts swirling around in my head. Then I'd tug on my mothers hand and bug her with a hundred and one questions about them that I knew she couldn't answer.

Why were they always walking, and where were they going?

Why were they always alone and without a mom or dad to watch them?

Were they siblings?

Cousins?

Just friends?

Best friends?

They were like an enigma to me.

I never really did know why, but maybe it was in the way Rukia and Renji interacted with each other. They didn't seem overly chatty with one another. Not very affectionate, from what I could tell. They didn't share secret glances or smiles with each other, that I could see. The type of shit you'd expect from little kids. Little kids that were good friends. But there was something… _something_ they shared. Though she would randomly hit the shit out of Renji, you could see it. That they were close, really close. It was a special bond they seemed to share. I could tell from yards away, across the street even. At least that's what I thought.

I later came to find out that Renji and Rukia _did_ have that sort of relationship. And it's amazing, really, that they were able to have that at such young ages. Some people never get the chance to have such friends. Ever. They never find someone that they connect with like that. On a deeper, practically unconscious, level.

I wanted that, what I could tell they had from across the street.

And I got it, later on. Rukia, Renji and I, together, we had that type of friendship.

We were friends so close that you'd call family, an extension of your own blood relatives. People you'd do anything for, 'cause you cared about them that much. Even take a hit by a car for.

It hurt _me _that Renji wasn't able to remember her. Because he put his life on the line for her, for that deep bond they had. And he can't even remember that he'd done something like that. Something so selfless, so courageous. And yeah, I can say I'd do the same for either one of them, no problem. Cause I would. That's how close the three of us were. That's they type of friends we were.

Around that time, when I was still nine, I used to wonder how it would be when we met each other. I say 'when' cause I knew it was going to happen. I'd talk to them eventually, cause I really wanted, regardless of the lingering shyness. Preferably without okasan there to embarrass me. I knew it would happen, and I wondered if we could all be friends together. If they would include me in that world of theirs that only the two of them seemed to share.

I got my wish. Not a month later, even. But I didn't know everything would change so drastically before then. I didn't know that it'd be then that I'd meet one of them. And under the worst, shittiest circumstances.

* * *

**A/N**: Would've updated ages ago but every time I tried there was an error message. And I know some of you were expecting some sort of confrontation between Rukia and Ichigo, and I'm sorry, I'm getting to that. I just felt it necessary to add a few kind of flashback chapters of their relationship beforehand. Two more chapters and I'll have that reunion up.

And thank you to those that reviewed, favorited and alerted the story so far. Means a lot to me, as always, and I'm glad you guys find it interesting so far (though this last chapter probably was a bore. Sorry, story progression, you know how that goes). Next chap is 93% done, should be up soonish.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

* * *

I was nine when my mother died. A week after her death is when I finally met Rukia. A month later was my tenth birthday.

My mothers death was so sudden. It was all a blur really.

We were making our way home from the dojo again. I'd gotten my ass handed to me by Tatsuki, _again. _Ka-chan was always able to make me feel better about getting beat up by a girl though. Just seeing her happy, smiling face when she came to pick me up was enough. I really loved my mother.

It was raining that day. I saw a girl. She had on black and white and had black chin length hair. She stood by the river bank; too close to it, much too close. It scared me, I worried for her. Without thinking about anything but the girl and trying to stop her, save her, I leapt over the railing and dashed off towards her figure. My mother shouted for me to stop but I was too focused, focused on that little girl who was teetering precariously close to that deep and murky water. I knew ka-chan was still calling to me, screaming, but I was so close, almost there… so damn close….

But then I woke up. I couldn't even remember blacking out but I must have. My vision spun, my head hurt, and there seemed to be a weight keeping me from getting to my feet. A warm yet cold weight, pressing down on me that I couldn't get away from.

I laid there for a while, getting my bearings and clearing my head, until I saw her hair. My moms hair. Her long and wavy honeyed-chestnut-sunset hair was soaked in rain water and soiled with something a deep and nauseating red. And then I cried. I cried for my mother and the fact that she wouldn't move, _wouldn't move._ I cried for that little girl, begging her to come help me, to help me save my mom the way I was so intent on saving her. I cried for me and the fact that I was all alone and covered in rain and a thicker, warmer fluid.

I don't remember how I got home, or who found me, or when they pried my hands away from ka-chan's cold and dead body. Time seemed to slip past me and I couldn't keep track of what was going on around.

The first thing I remember after her death was waking up in my parents bed. It was late, but not too late. The sky outside their bedroom window had that sun-just-set look to it.

I sat up and rubbed my eyes, adjusting to my surroundings. I felt awfully depressed for some reason, from something - from a dream I think. My mom was involved, that much I knew.

I turned around in bed to find her. I often slept with mom and dad. I was a momma's boy, through and through. I always wanted to be near her. Okasan was my everything. But I didn't find her when I turned. Dad was there though. Oddly motionless, oddly… quiet. When I'd spied him, I thought he would ambush me or some shit; I tensed up. He didn't though, just sat there, head down and staring at his lap. Alarm prickled inside of me. This was not my old man.

I crawled across the bed towards his still form and poked him in the arm hesitantly. He jumped. I drew back in unease. My dad did not jump in surprise. It wasn't possible. He was never taken by surprise, generally being the one to always _surprise_ others. Curiosity spiked along with that alarm.

He turned to me and I pulled back again, startled by the look in his eyes, the sluggishness of his movements. I couldn't place the look I saw there on his face, but it was foreign as hell. Dad never looked like that. Freaked me out quite frankly.

I was just about to open my mouth to ask what was wrong when he roughly grabbed me up and held on. I immediately began to squirm, wondering just what the fuck type of surprise or ambush he was planning this time.

He held me tighter as I wriggled in his embrace and made a choked sound in the back of his throat. I stilled. And then I realized he was shaking slightly and rocking us from side to side. And then I remembered. I remembered it all. The river. The girl. Me running. Mom screaming. A cold and warm weight. Scarlet stained sunny hair. The stillness of her body. Mom, mom was… she was gone. The reason why dad was anything but himself. Why ka-chan wasn't there when I woke up. Why my father was fucking crying.

:::

I went to school after about a weeks. Or should I say, I left the house _for_ school, I just rarely made it there. My school wasn't necessarily by the river where mom died, but I'd constantly find myself taking the long way there, past the river and her death site. I don't - I don't know what I was doing. Looking for her? It was stupid. I knew she was gone. She was gone. She was dead. She wasn't coming back. But it didn't stop me from going there daily.

Tatsuki saw me sometimes. I know she did. Our eyes would lock. She'd come over and talk to me, ask me why I wasn't going to school, why I stayed here all day. I know she knew about my moms' passing; she'd been there at the funeral. But I never knew what to say to her. I didn't know why I came there just as much as she didn't. So I said nothing. She left me alone most of the time but I knew she watched other times, up by the railing. Watching me pace back and forth, looking for something and nothing at all. I was like a man possessed, mad. But I was still just a kid; not a man yet, not even close…

I must have went there everyday for almost a full week. Classes missed and grades dropped, but I didn't care. When dad found out he'd be pissed, but I didn't care about that either. I trudged up and down that river bank, day in and day out. Searching yet never finding…

On that Friday, after a full five days of endless walking and looking, something different happened. No, Tatsuki had not come back and demand me stop. But another girl came in her place. Another girl with raven hair and a demanding, almost scary air about her.

I'd been walking, head down when I saw tiny shoes attached to skinny legs. Those shoes, dirty yet still sparkling white beneath all the grime. I quickly looked up to her face and was taken aback. She had a stern look about her. The look I often saw grown-ups wear. But it was on a little _girls_ face. When I used to see her from far away, I never imagined she'd look like this up-close. She softly scowled at me and I noticed, those eyes of hers... An unnatural shade of sapphire purple-y violet, trained on me as if I had done something wrong. I was very slightly frightened.

"Oi." she said. Her voice sounded older than what she looked. Looked goddamn six years old but still so demanding of authority and attention. I looked down and mumbled a 'what?'.

"I saw you down here for five days now, walking back and forth. I wonder, what are you looking for?" she asked me as she stepped closer to peer up at my downcast face.

I looked at those unusual purple eyes and said an 'I don't know' so softly that she had to practically put her ear next to my mouth to hear.

She gave me a questioning look, hands on her hips. "Idiot. How do you not know what you're looking for?"

I immediately bristled at being called an idiot by some girl I didn't know. I was about to shout an indignant 'hey' but she cut me off with a wave of her hands.

"You want me to help you?"

I just stared at her stupidly. When walking with my mom from the dojo and seeing her, I was overflowing with curiosity. There was so much I'd wanted to talk to her about, to ask her. But at that point then, I didn't really care. She was standing directly in front of me, the girl of my dreams, so to speak and almost quite literally, but I had absolutely nothing to say.

I shrugged my shoulders to her question, not telling her to go, not telling her to stay, but not caring if she did either.

I didn't look back down at her as I walked past to continue my endless and pointless search.

I heard an indignant sounding huff and the soft rustle of her tennis shoes on the riverbank grass. I vaguely wondered if she was leaving, but only briefly.

As the day wore on and the sun moved along in the sky I got ready to head up the hill. If I wasn't home around the time school let out, I knew I'd be in trouble. Though I couldn't care less about receiving a punishment, knowing that dad would stop me from coming out to the river left me feeling oddly uneasy and anxious. I needed to be there.

When I turned around to trudge up the hill and climb over the railing I almost tripped over her. The girl from earlier that I didn't know as Rukia yet. She was sitting with her knees drawn up to her chin, a little ways up the hill and directly in my path. I back-peddled a few steps in surprise as she got to her feet.

"I helped you look for a bit. But, since I didn't know what to look for… I stopped. If - if you think you will be here tomorrow, maybe then you'll tell me what you're looking for, and I can help you?" The last came out as a question and like with Tatsuki, I still didn't know how to answer.

I looked down onto her face in stunned awareness for the second time that day. Her intense amethyst stare still unnerved me, but looking into those admittedly startling yet honest eyes, I felt almost relieved. And hell if I knew why.

:::

That day, I guess I can say, was the start of our friendship. Tentative at first but growing so strong and so deep so fast.

Maybe because the second day after we met she stopped asking me what we were supposed to be looking for out by the river. She'd shown up like she said she would. I had _expected _her to ask me again. I dreaded it. Same when it was Tatsuki. Not only did I never know what to say, it upset me. Drove me damn near to the point of tears. Hell, I knew I didn't know what I was looking for, but it was my mom that was the driving force that led me there day in and day out. Pictures of her smiling face and memories of ka-chan would float in my mind. Though I didn't know why I came there, I knew that much at least. And I'd never felt more gratitude in my life; that she left it alone; somehow knew it was an incredibly sore topic with me.

That's why I think I can pinpoint it to there, right there. That's when I felt a kind of tie with her. A link; the beginnings of a bond.

:::

I may have been quiet at first. Hell, for the first several weeks, a month even, I never said more than five words to her at a time. But as time progressed, I'd find myself more and more comfortable in her presence. She would talk to me, in her oddly demanding yet sincere way. I'd listen but never really comment. And she seemed fine with that. There were a few times when my silence got to her. She'd hit me and tell me to talk, that angry, penetrating, violet stare boring into me so strongly. I would panic then. Afraid she'd grow bored with me and leave. I'd stutter out a short response and she'd take it as it were.

Though I know I never showed it in the first few months of our friendship, I think I can say I was happiest when I was with her. At home I was even more quiet. I never knew what to say to my family. We were all heart broken. Okasan was the center of our lives. She's what made us whole. Hearts broken; the family felt broken too. Dad tried his best to go on with a smile on his face, but I could see the weariness in him. And I felt like they were suffering because of me. It was my fault mom wasn't around anymore, it's the only thing that made sense, at least that's what I thought. So it was just easier to be elsewhere, talk to other people, because I felt an overwhelming guilt every time I was near Yuzu, Karin and Dad. But when I was with Rukia, I tended to forget how fucked up everything had become.

* * *

A/N:

Ugh, another boring flashback chapter... I know. Incidentally, there will be another one too. Just one more! I promise! It's all for a purpose though. I'm trying really hard to plan ahead with this story.

Anywhoways, thanks for the reviews/favs/alerts. Feedback is always great and don't be afraid to tell me what you think.

I hope it was at least mildly enjoyable.


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach.

* * *

I met Renji close to two months after I'd met Rukia. Our first meeting consisted of a lot of glaring (from Renji) and a whole lot of silence (from me).

That day I had went to the river, the same as everyday in the prior two months. I knew Rukia'd be there eventually. I expected it. I liked that I could expect it. Ever since that first day she became a constant in my life. With mom being gone and me feeling guilty and apprehensive around the twins and dad, Rukia quickly became a sort of anchor to me. Keeping me down and grounded, from falling into the depression I often felt. So, early on, I looked forward to seeing her; listening to her almost endless chatter, having our basically one-sided conversations. I still wasn't talking that much back then…

In those first few days she'd often talk about her "Ni-sama" and Renji. It didn't take me long the figure out that Renji was the red head I'd seen her with so often. And as the time me and Rukia spent together increased, I wondered where he was. As it neared two months that me and Rukia had been friends I was increasingly more and more aware of the fact that she never brought him around me. It was just me and her, day in and day out. Not that I minded, but I didn't want to be the one keeping her from him, like, make her feel obligated to hang out with me instead of with him, since I was pretty sure they were close friends before me and her had even met. When I used to see her and Renji walking together across the street when I was with my mom I'd always thought them to be inseparable. Assumed really, and we all know what they say about assuming shit, but can you blame me? They were always together, always.

One day when she mentioned Renji I asked her where he was. I was curious, and it was sort of my way of saying so. And saying that it was okay to bring him around me, that I didn't mind. It was the first full sentence I had spoken to her that day, too. An "oh" here or a "yeah" there was typically all she got from me. It was random, me asking about him, and she didn't expect it. I was surprised with myself. She stopped talking for a full three minutes and I became worried. I often was worried around her. Worried she'd grow bored with me, stop talking to me, leave me alone and disappear from my life after I was just finally getting used to her being in it.

I started fiddling with the grass where I sat close to the rivers edge when she said "okay", rather loudly. I looked up quickly after that to see her already heading up the hill. Heart hammering, panicking, irrationally thinking she was leaving me, I called out to her retreating form. She turned to me with a gleam in her eyes and a sort of smirk kind of smile on her face.

"I'll be back." was all she said as she dashed up the hill and out of my sight. I felt better after hearing those words though.

I remember sitting there for ten minutes. Fifteen minutes. A full thirty. After a while I wondering _when_ she'd be back, or if she even meant the same day at all, but then there she was with another person in tow.

I stood up quickly, not sure of what to expect. I mean, Renji was rather imposing, he still is today. He's tall, big, has this 'I don't give a shit about you, I'll fuck you up' look about him, even when he was ten. Now I laugh at my first impression of him and how I was actually almost afraid of him. But since I didn't know him, hadn't met him, and the fact that he was kind of glaring daggers at me pretty much put me on edge.

When they reached me Rukia was oblivious the tension between us. She grinned up at Renji then frowned at me, which put me even more on edge, as she walked around me to give me a good shove between the shoulder blades.

I pitched forward and stumbled up to him, wondering in the back of my mind how she could be so strong.

Rukia stood off to the side between the two of us, observing with a kind of "well?" expression on her face. For her, sucking up my unease and wariness with him just standing there, arms crossed and looking for all the world like I was some piece of shit he couldn't be bothered with, I offered out a shaky hand.

"Kurosaki Ichigo." I said in a non-wavering voice, surprised at the fact that it _hadn't_ wavered.

I waited for him to take my proffered hand but he never did. Instead, he just scoffed and turned his head back to Rukia, a deep frown set in his features.

"Ruuukiaaa" he whined. Whined! "Why do we gotta hang out with _him_?" he said as he spared a thumb jerked in my direction.

I was taken aback. Seriously. My hand was still stuck out in the air, waiting for it to be shaken, but all I could think of was why this kid was wailing like that to a girl I knew was younger than him.

Now Rukia was scowling at Renji. "Well." she said as she came up to my side, dropping a small hand onto my shoulder. "'Cause he's my new friend. And he'll be yours too." she explained.

His frown deepened still and he yelled. "The hell he will!"

I looked to Rukia out my peripheral, a lump lodged in my throat. I got that feeling again when I heard his words. That feeling that something that was growing to be important to me was going to be taken away again. I mean, I knew how Rukia thought of Renji. He was her best friend, her buddy. She looked up to him, thought highly of him, valued him in all ways. I could tell from the way she'd so often spoke of him. And, and with him so adamantly saying he wanted nothing to do with me… Did she value his opinion so much so that she'd… drop me just like that? Stop being friends with me cause he told her to? Was the Rukia that I was just beginning to get to know so easily influenced?

I didn't know her well back then, and honestly, if I told her what I was thinking that day now, she'd probably kick my ass.

As it was, she looked like she was ready to kick Renjis' ass. As I watched her from the corner of my eye and waited for her to tell me to beat it, to leave, she couldn't be friends with me anymore, her violet eyes narrowed further and her mouth turned down to a scowl. I felt her hand on my shoulder tighten.

"What the heck do you mean 'the hell he will'? Of course he will! Ichigo _is_ my new friend, whether you like it or not. You can get used to it, Renji, or shut up and go home!"

My eyes got wide just as Renji's mouth dropped open.

Rukia stood there a couple seconds longer, glare directed at Renji and his completely fucking dumbfounded expression. We both stood there, me feeling utterly fucking uncomfortable and her looking pissed and peeved at the redhead in front of us, when she 'humph'-ed loudly and turned her back, grabbing my hand as she walked off.

I stumbled after her, clutching her hand as I almost fell.

"R-Rukia!" I gasped as she dragged me along. "What are you _doing_?" I resisted the urge to turn back to Renji. I knew he was still in the same spot we left him in.

"Shhh!" Rukia shushed me and I lapsed into silence. She turned to me then, and had a small, almost smug looking grin on her face.

"Renji is being an ass, I know. But just wait. He's going to come around. When he sees I'm serious about you, I know he'll come around. And then the three of us can be friends together." she explained. I stared into her violet-purple eyes as she spoke to me. I wanted to believe what she said, but I was skeptical. I _hoped_ it would happen that way. I couldn't begin to think of how bad I would feel if I had inadvertently broken up a friendship.

She turned and faced forward then, grip on my hand tightening as she continued to pull me along. "Renji is a good guy. He may come off as rude and mean and a jerk, but really, he's not. You'll see. I know you will like him when he stops being an asshole."

We walked on for another minute before she stopped and dropped my hand and plopped down on the ground. I just stood there, not knowing what to do, feeling awkward and upset, really feeling like I was the cause of a fight between the two of them.

"Rukia…" I started, about to tell her to just go make-up with Renji already, when she gripped two of my fingers and pulled me down onto the ground with her.

We sat there in silence and my eyes were constantly wandering to her. I appreciated what she was doing, I really did. I appreciated it more than she will ever know. My affection for her grew tenfold that day, but it made my heart heavy. Because the longer we sat there, the more I knew I didn't want it to be like that.

"Rukia" I tried to get her attention

"Hmmm?" she said. She didn't turn to me though and it was obvious she was distracted. She'd found a stick and was preoccupied with drawing in the dirt between us. There was a rabbit there, a bear too I saw, but as she drew those oddly crude looking animals in the dirt I noticed her eyes drift up more than once and glance over my shoulder, staring into the distance at what I knew was probably Renji back there.

I tried again.

"Uh… o-oi." I stuttered out. She sighed and lifted her head, giving me her full attention this time, the same "well?" look plastered to her face as I'd seen it earlier.

I bit on my bottom lip and looked away from her intense gaze. "I… I think you should just go back…" I said, trailing off at the end cause honestly, I didn't really want her to.

I peeked a look at her out the corner of my eyes. She looked annoyed, lip curled in irritation. My eyes darted back to the ground again and I started rambling.

"I think you should go back because he was your friend first! I - I don't want you guys to fight because of me. And I don't want him to be mad at you. What if he really does stop being friends with you because you stayed friends with me? I'd feel bad, you know! And, and then Renji'll be mad at me. You probably would too sooner or later, and regret ever being friends with me to begin with. Then _everyone_ would be upset and it'd all be _my_ fault and I don't-"

"Shut up!" Rukia cut me off, whisper-yelling at me harshly. I immediately stopped, sneaking another look at her from under my lashes. Once again her eyes were focused over my shoulder, but she wore that smug look on her face again. Her gaze shifted to me and something in her purple eyes danced as she leaned in close to me and whispered.

"He's coming back. See? I told you he'd come around! I know that big idiot better than anybody." Her face had split into a wide grin by the time she'd finished.

I resisted the urge to turn around and look for myself. But soon enough I could hear his tennis shoes on the grass and shuffling along in the dirt. Just before he reached us Rukia turned to me with narrowed eyes.

"And you. I think I liked you better when you didn't talk."

I scowled at her and was about to say something nasty when a weight dropped down on my right, between me and Rukia.

"Fine, Rukia. Whatever. But you can't make me like him." Renji said as he accidentally scuffed up one of her bunnies.

She hit him in the stomach, he collapsed backwards in pain and it was like we had all pretended that the previous thirty minutes hadn't happened. The day wore on slowly and we all went our separate ways once dinner time came. Renji hardly spoke to me, but that was okay. I was just glad I'd still be able to stay friends with Rukia, and have her at my side.

...

...

...

Me and Renji's friendship made slow but steady progress. It took us a while to get on the same level me and Rukia had gotten to so fast, but she was right. I did like him, once he stopped being an asshole.

* * *

I quickly learned that Rukia was a different type of girl. My only real experience around girls, at that age, had been Tatsuki, and though she can hardly constitute as your average female, Rukia was on another level. One minute she's the ultimate girl, wailing to me how cute rabbits are and the next she's beating me in good natured tousling and wrestling matches. And even still, aside from the rabbit obsession and the tomboy-ish-ness, she really was grown-up, almost adult like. She was responsible and sensible. Authoritative and no-nonsense. Mostly. It was rare to see her smile and let loose or just be a kid. Even at my nine years of age I noticed that. I thought it was odd. But it was her. That was Rukia

I soon started attributing it to her stuck-up-as-shit older brother. Byakuya. The first time I met him I almost peed my fucking pants. It's not like he was _scary_, per se. He just had this air about him that made you _notice _him, and know where you stood next to him, which was way down at the bottom of the totem pole while he was top dog. He made me nervous. I laugh now, cause I've long since grown out of that nervousness around him. Byakuya is Byakuya. A seemingly fridge man but really a caring and protective older brother.

Though he kind of scared me at first I soon started to fucking dislike the guy the better I got to know Rukia. She'd always tell me how "Ni-sama" made her do this or "Ni-sama" made her do that. It was always dumb etiquette type stuff, rich-people type shit, classes and whatnot. Rukia never complained but I hated the look she'd get on her face. Like she didn't want to disobey him but she'd do the shit anyway, to not be a burden. She even told me once that she thought he was trying to change her, with the classes and shit. She'd looked nonchalant when she said it, shrugged her shoulders even, but I could tell how it bothered her. It bothered me too, pissed me off actually, cause what she said, I knew she was right. But there wasn't shit I'd change about Rukia. She was my best friend and I liked her plenty the way she was. Bastard Byakuya…

He had her in private school too, so once summer ended, I saw less and less of her…

...

...

...

It was almost half a year after meeting her that I told her about okasan. It was the weekend. We were sitting by the river, the first of many spots we liked to claim as our own. She still wore her private school clothes; a crisp and pressed long-sleeved button-down shirt and a pleated and plaid skirt. The uniform wasn't much different from what the girls at my school wore, but on each article of clothing she had was an expensive looking school logo emblem. And she had a blazer too. Which was real expensive looking. My school didn't have blazers.

But we were sitting by the river that day. Renji had already left, saying he was on punishment and was probably gonna get his ass kicked for coming home late. Rukia had taken off her blazer and tossed it to the side, in the dirt, carelessly. I shook my head and looked out across the water. The sun was just beginning to set, was a beautiful brilliant orange, and I started talking about my mom, just like that, without much thought.

I told her everything that day. How much I loved okasan, how much I missed her. I told her about that day, that rainy day and that girl that I thought was gonna fall into the water. I told her everything; how sad I made my family, how I just _knew_ it was my fault ka-chan was dead.

I stopped abruptly at the end, a hitch in my throat and a pain in my chest. I sat there and waited for her to agree with me, that it _was_ my fault, that I was the cause of her death. I waited for her to tell me what I'd been feeling for almost six months; that I was a monster, a horrible person for getting their own mother killed, but she never said any of that.

Instead, she punched me in the arm, hard. I fell over a bit and rubbed at my arm, trying to relieve the ache. Goddamn, how could someone so small pack such a punch.

I scowled over at her to find her already scowling at me. My own frown dropped as her eyes narrowed more. She poked a finger out at me, jabbing me in the forehead.

"Kurosaki Ichigo, you are a true idiot." she said, jabbing me with each word. I leaned away from her abuse and tried to slap her hand away but she was already pulling back. She regarded me with an incredulous expression.

"You're a moron, you know, for thinking you did that. It doesn't even make sense. And even if it _did_ make sense, I know you. I know what type of person you are and I know you couldn't do something like that to your mom." she paused for a second and her face softened a little. "So don't say stuff like it's your fault, cause I don't like it! And I know it's not true!"

She stared me down a bit, then got up, not bothering to dust off her skirt. She reached behind me and got her dirtied blazer too. "I need to go home now before Ni-sama sends people out to look for me. Ja ne!"

I sat there for about another hour; playing and replaying her words over and over in my head.

_You're a moron, for thinking you did that…_

…_doesn't make sense…_

_I know what type of person you are…_

_I know you couldn't do something like that to your mom…_

_Don't say stuff like it's your fault, I don't like it!…_

_I know it's not true!…_

It wasn't my fault… It's not my fault… It wasn't…

I got up and left for home, still thinking of her words, and that heavy feeling in my chest, the one I'd been feeling for the prior six months kind of alleviated itself somewhat.

When I made it home I found Yuzu, Karin and dad and gave them all a hug and a smile. First time for any of that since moms passing.

* * *

As I said before, Rukia was a different type of girl. As we grew older, she was less of a tomboy. She could, and would, still kick my ass in a variety of different ways, still possessed the mouth of a sailor but as the years passed she became more feminine. She put away the shorts I was so used to her wearing in our childhood in favor of skirts and sundresses.

...

...

...

We were fourteen and thirteen. I was getting ready to head to high school after the summer while Rukia still had another year in middle.

We were sitting out in front of my house. Dad was working at the clinic and I can't remember where Yuzu and Karin were. Yuzu was probably out at the grocery, Karin at the soccer park. I don't know though, I really can't remember.

Rukia and I had just ransacked the freezer. We each had three of those freezer pops a piece. Rukia had the three of hers opened and ate them all ate once. She'd take a bite out of one, then another then the other and let the three different flavors melt in her mouth. I just shook my head. I ate mine like a normal person. One at a time.

It was just one of those days where we didn't really talk, didn't really try to engage the other in any sort of way. We just sat there on the front steps on that hot summer day, chilling and enjoying the company the each of us gave.

Rukia'd finished her freeze pops way quicker than I had. I remember glancing to the side at her, a smile crossing my face at seeing her grimacing, clutching her forehead and muttering "ow" under her breath. I knew she'd get a brain freeze, the dumbass. She had eaten hers entirely too fast.

I finished mine a little while later.

"Sooo. What do you want to do now that you've _finally_ finished your frozen juice sticks?"

I scoffed as I looked around me, picking up and putting hers and my empty freeze-pop packets in a pile. "Yeah, it took me a while to eat mine, but at least I wasn't a greedy idiot like you and got a brain-freeze from eating them too fast."

"I got no such thing!" she lied, sounding totally indignant to boot. I shook my head and turned to her, about to call her out on her lying but stopped when I got a look at her face. I smirked.

"You're mouth's blue. Like, all over." I said as I reached out a hand and cupped her face in my palm, swiping my thumb across her stained upper lip and rubbing at the blue at the corner of her mouth. Our eyes locked and I noticed how she'd looked like she'd been on the verge of saying something to me. Her ridiculous blue lips slightly parted and her eyes were wide.

I slowed my wiping down to a stop and we just sat there a second, staring at each other. Her eyes had dropped quickly from mine after a second or two and she scowled down at her lap, slapping my hand away in the same instant, calling me an idiot the next.

I remember scoffing again and dropping my own eyes as she wiped a whole arm across her mouth, trying herself to rub off the blue that was still there. It was weird to me when she slapped my hand away though, cause while we were looking at each other, I'd forgotten I still had my fingers pressed against her mouth.

"Well, thanks, I guess." she said as her arm pulled away from her face and her gaze found mine again.

I nodded my acknowledgement, then nodded to the front of her clothes.

"There's green on your dress too."

She looked down, spotting the stain standing out bright against the white of her dress, located almost in the center of her chest. "Dammit." she muttered darkly. I laughed to myself and faced forward, folding my arms behind my head.

I looked at her out of the corner of my eye after a few as she kept dabbing at the spot on her dress. "You know, ladies don't swear…" I said.

She shrugged. "Maybe. But I'm not a lady yet so who the hell cares? I bet when I'm older I'll be the best fucking lady you will have ever met." she said. The look on her face was superior and smug, an I-dare-you-to-tell-me-I'm-wrong look mixed in.

I snorted, then out-right laughed. I was doubled over and clutching my stomach cause I swear it was just too funny to hear her say that, seeing as she had a blue stained mouth and a ruined and green stained dress. It was always awesome to me how Rukia could say the littlest things, not even mean to be funny, but end up brightening my day and getting me to laugh more than anyone else could. It was rare that she'd join me in my laughter, but it was those times where I'd notice her smile more softly and genuinely then.

After I had calmed down we sat in silence for a couple minutes. Rukia had picked a dandelion from the lawn and plucked its petals off. When all the petals were gone, she tossed the stem out across to the sidewalk and turned to me.

"You get your hair color from your mom, huh?"

"I - yeah, I guess." I said, stumbling over my words cause her question had just caught me so off guard.

She reached up and brushed a couple fingers back through my hair. Took a lock of it and rubbed it between her index, middle finger and thumb. "It's a pretty cool color. Loud yet soft to the touch. Like you, Ichigo."

I'd scoffed. "What the hell does that mean? I'm not soft!" I thought a second, fighting the heat trying to engulf my cheeks. "And don't call my hair pretty!"

She just looked at me with a twinkle in her eye and a slight smirk on her face.

...

...

...

I remember that day so well.

I think it's because when she brought up okasan, I… was okay with it. Even though that part of our conversation was brief, I think that's why. It was the first time I remember hearing her brought up in conversation without me clamping up, becoming quiet and withdrawn, without getting that old familiar ache in my heart at the thought of her. That day… when Rukia said those words and reminded me of how my hair, the hair I'd begun to detest, resembled my long gone ka-chan's… I was fine. And I think that night when I laid down in bed and thought about it, I knew I'd be fine. I'd be fine. I'd be alright. And I knew I had Rukia to thank for that.

After that day, I stopped hating my hair. And vowed I'd never dye it.

...

...

...

Our days were often like that outside of school. Us, just hanging out. Renji would join us when he could.

I think that's why our bond developed into something so deep so fast. It was in those days when we weren't really doing anything, not doing nothing special, when I'd feel myself grow so close to her.

* * *

The following year Rukia skipped a grade and started going to public school. We were in the same grade then and she'd even got put in the same class as me. To this day I still have no idea how she managed to get Byakuya to agree to any of it. I wasn't complaining though.

She was awkward at first and I tried my hardest to make everything okay for her. But it was weird for her, I know. I mean, Byakuya'd made sure she knew about all the finer points of nobility and the upper-crust rich people shit, but it was clear she didn't know how to act around a group of your average teenagers. I told her to just be herself, to act the same way she did around me and Renji. She only scowled and told me she was and to leave her alone. I backed off after that.

It was funny though, sometimes, to see her interact with the other girls of the class. Inoue immediately wanted to be friends with her, inviting her to slumber parties and shopping trips and all that other girl shit. Rukia'd stutter a bit, make up some excuse and lapse into silence. It was funny, but it kind of wasn't either. Not in the fact that she was so damn uncomfortable around other people her own age, and her same sex too. It made something in my chest clench and I wanted to help her, the way she'd helped me through so much already.

I talked to my classmates and told them to just give her some time, she's kind of an awesome person, she's just shy. And honestly, I would have never known she _was_ shy until all this school business. Seeing her stumble over her words when any of the other girls of the class came near was… was something. Seeing her as anything but the Rukia _I'd_ grown up with: domineering, loud, demanding, violent… It was honestly sort of endearing. I could never help the smile that crossed my face when I saw her trying to evade the chitchat around her.

Inoue had never given up though, and even though Rukia was constantly turning her down, they somehow grew closer. She did with everyone else too, all my other school friends. Tatsuki, Chad, Mizuiro, Keigo, Ishida. During school hours, we were inseparable.

...

...

...

So you see? Rukia… I hate to say this, but, at a point in time, my world kind of revolved around her. She was my rock. My best friend. My _person._ It's a damned fucking shame I didn't realize what she meant to me till she wasn't around anymore. But she _is_ around now, again. I don't really get it. I'm for sure not gonna question it. But that awesome girl I met by the river's edge some thirteen or fourteen odd years ago, the girl that kind of threw herself into my life, made me see that life could and _would _still go on after okasan passed; the same girl that had kicked my ass at least a hundred times over, the one that may or may not have fucking _died _five years ago (I'm still not sure on that, still utterly fucking confused). But yeah, that girl, the one I literally felt my heart break in two over when I thought I'd never see her again, is back. She's back and I'll be goddamned if I let some shit happen to her this time. It's not every day you get second chances like this, and I'll be fucked if I don't take full advantage of it.

* * *

**_A/N:_**Sorry for the lengthy wait. It wasn't writers block, just school.

Anywho, this was the last chapter setting up background material and whatnot. Next chapter will pick up where the very first chapter left off.

As always, I want to thank all that have reviewed, favorited and alerted the story. It gives me great encouragement to keep writing.


	5. Chapter 5

_Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach  
_

* * *

It really was sudden and abrupt and I had no possible way of knowing I'd run into her that night. I was just coming home from my dads place, and she was _there_. And that monster was there. I - I was shocked and then excited when I realized it was her; I was over the fucking moon. My emotions were so jumbled up inside I almost couldn't breath. But when I saw the _monster_, I was horrified. And when I saw how close to Rukia it was, saw that she was going towards it - brandishing a katana all the while, I really think I almost passed out. She got rid of it, that monster, soon enough, though, and I called to her then. She turned around towards me, and her face kind of cracked. So many different thoughts and feelings passing across her face and dancing in her expressive eyes… I saw all that, from across the street…

...

"I-Ichi… go?"

I couldn't speak.

Just stood there, the smile had dropped moments before.

It's not as though I wasn't still happy.

After the initial 'oh my god' moment, 'it's fucking her, holy _shit_', I didn't really know how to describe my feelings at that time. It was like something had lodged in my throat, I almost couldn't swallow, could hardly breath. My heartbeat picked up and it would _not_ stop pounding,

I started across the street. A slow run turning into a full sprint. A car horn blared to my right, pretty damn close, and I panicked for a second, thinking I was surely gonna get hit. But it was like I had tunnel vision, my sole focus on getting to her. _I had to get to her_.

"Ichigo, you idiot, you'll get hit!"

I almost smiled to myself when she yelled at me. I really fucking missed that yelling, the name calling, too. God, how I missed it. But I realized she was probably right; couldn't care less, though. I just had to get to her, it wasn't an option to _not._ If I got hit on the way, I got hit. My best friend was across the street; I'd thought she'd been dead, but she's across the street. I couldn't be assed with worrying over getting hit by a car. But in the back of my mind, I wondered why the street seemed so long, why the cars seemed so _many_.

I didn't get hit, but I did trip over the edge of the sidewalk when I finally made it.

I fell to one knee and got up just as fast as the fall happened. My eyes locked with hers immediately and I walked the several feet separating us in three giant strides. Her worried face slowly dropped and warped into the angry one I was so used to.

"You incredible dumbass… You couldn't wait two minutes for the light to change and it be okay for you to cross? You almost got hit six times over! What in the hell were you thinking?"

_That I was too far away from you._

I watched her rant and chew me out. She paced and threw her hands up, dropped them on her hips and glared at me, shook her head so violently her hair flew. And those mannerisms were so distinctly _Rukia_ I was shocked; shocked to see that so much time could go by, so much shit could happen, and she'd still be the same. The same girl I waved bye to and watched walk off with Renji on that horrible fucking night over five years ago. The same girl that I really thought was _dead _for the past five years…

"-'ve always been so reckless. It's amazing you-"

"Where the hell have you _been_?"

She stopped mid-sentence when I spoke, and I hate that my voice cracked when I said that. All the emotions: the anger, the sadness, the hurt, frustration, depression; was all there in that one spoken sentence. I hated it, that my first words to her after five long years sounded like that, were even filled with accusation, but it was what it was and I couldn't take that back, wasn't even sure I wanted to take it back.

Rukia averted her eyes from me and sighed, shoulders lifting and dropping dramatically.

"As you can see," she said, vaguely gesturing to her outfit, the katana hanging at her side. "It hasn't… a- a lot has, well, happened. As you can see, I-"

She stops mid-sentence again, only this time, I hadn't interrupted her. Rukia's eyes got big in realization of… of something, and she looked at me, dumbfounded and confused. It started to annoy me.

"What?" I snapped, irritated from having her gape at me like that, but still over the moon and confused and even hurt by her sudden appearance.

"You - you can see me," she stated, kind of asked. I glowered at her.

"No shit, Rukia. Shut up and stop playing."

"But you shouldn't be able to."

Now I was more confused, more annoyed.

"What?" I snapped again, more incredulity in my voice.

She stared at me hard, a frown creasing her forehead and a downward tilt to her lips. And that kind of made me lose it.

"What the hell? You can only look at me and frown? I'm waiting, Rukia. I asked you where you've been and you haven't said shit, haven't explained a damn thing. I'm fucking confused here, and you haven't helped, being all cryptic and vague and shit. What?! What in the shit is going _on_!?"

I knew I really was losing it; losing my cool, if I even had any of that, considering. I knew I was rambling and about to start screaming, more so than already, but - but I was just so _desperate_. To know what was going on. To get why she had that damn sword with her. To be reassured she wasn't gonna up and… I dunno, disappear…

I was trying really, really hard not to outwardly show it, but on the inside, I thought I was going to die, or explode or maybe implode; I was so close to bursting into tears it shook me.

So I did what me and Rukia and even Renji tend to do in situations like that; shitty situations where we don't really know how to handle our emotions- I got mad. I got mad and yelled and cursed and shit; covered it all up, those feelings, cause I just could not _deal _right then. I couldn't. But… my hands, they were shaking so badly.

Rukia took it in stride, and I'm glad for that. I know I wouldn't have been able to handle it if she started yelling back. I'd've lost it, I really would have. The waterworks were at bay, but just barely. If she looked at me wrong, I probably would have cried. And it was really fucking fucked up to me, cause like I said, I hadn't cried for her since that first time, at school and in the bathroom. I told myself I wouldn't do it again.

I jumped violently at the touch- her hand, so lightly resting on my forearm…

"Ichigo, we need to talk."

I refocused on the eyes mine were already gazing at. Her face looked pinched with… a lot of things. Eyebrows drawn together slightly in worry, cocked upwards the littlest bit in confusion. Lips, pressed so firmly together the pink of them turned pale and white, somehow conveying the tenseness that she must be feeling all over and inside. And her eyes, swimming with- with so _much_. That same worry and confusion, guilt, sadness and regret, something… else. Just - just everything. A little bit of everything.

I looked away.

I couldn't keep staring at that face.

"Yeah, Rukia. Yeah, we do."

Out of my peripheral, I see her shoulders lift in another heavy sigh.

"Alright. But not here."

I nod, because I have a feeling I'm gonna need to be sitting down when we do this.

The hand she'd had on my arm is back and I jump violently again. If Rukia noticed, she doesn't show it.

She slips her hand down my arm some and grips my wrist, and then she's tugging me and we're off to some direction that I really can't focus on.

We're both silent. The streets pass by slowly but I don't notice. I think a nuclear holocaust could have happened and I wouldn't've noticed. I was that out of it. Lost in my own thoughts and confusion and disbelief. Lost in the feel of how real her hold on my wrist felt…

"Okay, let us in."

I jerk at the sound of her voice and the feel of her hand sliding away from me. I frown and fumble around in my pants pocket for my apartment keys, surprised at the fact that we're _here _and that I hadn't even realized we'd made it. Really fucking surprised that we're here… at my apartment…

I almost drop the keys when I turn quick to look at her.

"How - how'd you know I live here?"

She averts her eyes, shifts from foot to foot, and I already know I'm probably not gonna like what she says.

"I… I've seen you come here, or home, several times. I really just assumed…"

I feel that my expression darkens.

"You've seen me come home…" I drawl out, sort of asking but more like stating.

She sighs again, heavy and defeated. "Yes."

I abruptly turn back to the door and unlock. "And it never occurred to you to stop by, say hi- maybe? Y'know, tell me you weren't _dead_?"

She sucks in a harsh breath at my words. I shove the door open hard and it slams into the wall.

I don't wait for her as I stalk inside, don't even turn to look at her, for that matter. I don't want to see those big, huge, violet eyes fixed on me and overflowing with hurt. It'll sort of break my heart. Cause I hate the way I'm acting. Shit, I really do. But I can't help it, it's like I literally can't. Years worth of bottled up emotions; it's all just coming out, and in ways that's making all this fucked up shit worse.

"That's not fair, Ichigo. It really isn't. You don't know the half of it. And for the record, I am dead."

I stop dead in my tracks, in the center of my living room. An inexplicable chills runs through me and I actually shiver. Goosebumps break out across my arms at her last words, spoken so calmly and nonchalantly, like she's discussing the goddamn weather with me.

I shake my head and stare into the dark hallway leading to my bedroom and bath. The front door closes softly from behind.

"It sure does feel like you're back from the dead," I say softly, to no one, really.

"Yeah. It feels the same for me."

I stand there for another minute, or ten, I don't know, before sighing and flipping on a light switch.

The room is flooded with light and warmth, but I still feel it; that cold that seemed to seep right out from the inside of me - from her words.

I finally turn around to see Rukia leaning against the door, watching me quietly. The look in her eyes is cautionary, wary, and I hate that more than my earlier words.

"Tea, I'm gonna make some tea," I mutter, then walk off hastily to the kitchen.

I busied myself with the tea for over twenty-five minutes. Rukia never once came in the kitchen to see what was taking so long. I never once left the kitchen to see what she was doing, if she was comfortable… or if sencha green tea is still her favorite. I made it anyways.

I carefully bring the teas out.

She's sitting cross-legged in my arm chair, staring out the open drapes of the patio.

Night has fallen all the way, but it's not late enough for the below traffic to have stopped or the convenience stores to be closed. I actually marvel at the time displayed on the DVD player, amazed that it was only an hour and a half or so since I was at my dads, eating dinner with the fam, talking about college with Yuzu and Karin, drop-kicking the old man when he got too annoying.

I set the tea in front of her on the coffee table and take a seat on the couch.

"Drink."

She nods and reaches for the cup, and I belatedly wonder if she can even drink it, seeing as she's _dead _and all. I didn't seem like an issue, though.

With the first sip, her eyes cloud up with kept emotion, I see. She hides it well, was always able to, and she sips at the tea quietly until it's all gone.

When it is, she puts the cup down on the coaster, then leans back into the chair with closed eyes.

"So, I guess I should… start at he beginning, huh, Ichigo?"

* * *

_Renji and I were only a good four blocks away from your house when it happened. _

_I was walking along the raised street curb- you know how I always liked to do that, right?_

_Renji was ten or so feet away from me, on the sidewalk. I still think it wouldn't have mattered. On the sidewalk or on the street curb, I still would have gotten hit- the car was that out of control._

_I heard it behind me, the sound that something was wrong. And just as I turned, I was swamped with the glare of that drivers' headlights._

_Renji… I remember him yelling at me, screaming 'Oi! Oi, Rukia! Out of the way! Get out. Of. The. Way'._

_And I was, I was moving, but my ankle twisted in my hurry, and I slipped off the curb._

_Silly, right?_

_I slipped and fell all the way to the ground, and the car was just about upon me, steadily accelerating. I knew I'd be hit. _

_Renji was still screaming at me and I glanced over my shoulder, saw him trying to get to me, running in my direction._

_Can you imagine how horrified I was?_

_I knew it was over for me, that I was going to get hit, but I had no way of knowing that I would die from the impact. _

_Even still, why should Renji have to get hit too, because of my stupid fortune?_

_I didn't have time to tell him no. _

_I just barely felt the very tips of his fingers brush against my arm in his attempt to shove me, grab me maybe. To get me out of the way._

_The car slammed into me then, and Renji was knocked aside by the force._

_I felt no pain, or everything happened so fast that it didn't register._

_I don't remember anything else directly after that moment, and that was when I died._

...

_I woke up on that same curb, and I somehow instantly knew that I was dead._

_I wasn't confused. _

_My physical body was gone. And I remembered the terror of that car coming straight towards me._

_I looked down and noticed how transparent my arm was, too. It was really weird, Ichigo._

_I sat there and cried for a while. No one noticed. No one glanced my way, and I figured they couldn't see me. Someone walked practically over me. _

_They acted like I wasn't there._

_I had gotten up after an hour or two and found a stick laying nearby._

_I picked it up and chucked it as hard as I could, out of frustration and anger, over the unfairness of it all._

_It hit a man in the head. He stopped in his tracks, eyes wide as he looked all around him, spun in circles even, to find out where the stick that hit him had come from. The streets were almost vacant at that point._

_I laughed in spite or it all, in spite of everything I knew wouldn't be anymore._

...

_I followed you around a lot for awhile. I went to the hospital, too, to see Renji, to make sure he was okay. But you, Ichigo, you were… eerily like a zombie. Like an empty husk or shell- going through the motions, talking when spoken to, but you weren't _there_. Everyone noticed, you know. I hated you acting like that._

_But - but one thing that confused me is, you didn't cry. _

_I never saw that, you crying or anything._

_It was strange to me, cause you were sometimes such a crybaby when we were kids._

_You didn't cry, you were acting like an animated dead man, and at times, you would get this faraway look in your eyes, like you really just weren't _there_. I called out to you at those times, just hoping, just hoping so much that you'd be able to hear me. For some reason, I… got this feeling that you'd be able to, when that look came upon your eyes._

_You never did turn to me._

_...  
_

_About a month or so had passed when I became restless. Endlessly in the shadows and not involved in anything. Unable to communicate. I was just, restless. And angry_

_But then one night a person, a being, came to deliver me from that._

_I was scared when I first saw her._

_I was sitting in a park and it was well after dark. All the playground equipment had long since been abandoned._

_I sat at the swing set, just staring out into the middle distance. I didn't look up when I heard the voice- I was so used to no one talking to me, no one seeing me._

"_Oi."_

_She had yelled at me from quite a distance. I just thought she was some person from the street, being overly loud._

_It wasn't until she was right up on me that I realized she was addressing _me.

"_Oi, wandering spirit," she'd called, close to me and on my left. "Come over and let me purify you."_

_That Rangiku-san, she really spooked me._

_I jumped off the swing and whirled to see a woman sitting at the swing next to mine._

_She was really beautiful, Rangiku-san, the first time I saw her._

_Her hair is almost your color, you know, but long and softly curled. That color, it reminded me of you, it reminded me of Inoue…_

_She was dressed the way I am now. Black and white, a hakima and shihakusho, these uncomfortable sandals, but she did where a pink scarf, whereas I obviously don't. I started when I noticed the katana she held in her hands, and that her eyes were focused directly on me, looking _at_ me, not _through_ me._

_She smiled at me and unsheathed her sword. I balked._

"_What's the matter?" she asked, cocking her head to the side. "I really do have to purify you, least that Hollow comes and gets you."_

_She spoke so nonchalantly. And afterwards, five minutes after she spoke those words to me, after I found out what a Hollow _was_, I wondered at that nonchalance, how she could talk about them in such a manner._

_You saw it earlier, didn't you? The seemingly 'monster' like thing I fought? I think that since you can see me, you probably saw _it.

_I saw my first one that night._

_It seemed to come from nowhere. It materialized. And it howled loud and horrible sounding, just as horrible as its appearance._

_The woman jumped up while I was rooted to that spot, shouting over her shoulder._

"_See?" she yelled. "Should've come to me for you purification…"_

_It took only a few moments, be she'd killed it, wielding that katana all the while._

_She came up to me, close, in my personal space, and I was frightened then. Of her, of what I just saw- that _thing_, how she…_ killed it.

_I was scared and confused, and she talked to me- explained things. And they started to make since, little by little._

_See Ichigo, what I am now is a shinigami. Vanquisher of what you saw before- evil spirits, bad spirits, plus spirits gone wrong. And - and protector, too, of the recently deceased. Everything I do is to keep the balance between the human world and the spirit world. Sending the Hollows and the normal plus spirits on the to the afterlife, it's all done to keep this world and the spirit one from collapsing._

* * *

After she finished speaking, she smiled at me slowly. It was one of those rare Rukia smiles, where everything looks true and genuine. Like she put everything she had in that smile, just for me…

"So yeah. I'm a death god now, Ichigo. And looking after Karakura is my first official mission."

* * *

**A/N:  
**

I know, the ending was awful. I liked _where_ it ended, just not _how._ And yes, a lot of things, on Rukia's part were not explained, I'm getting to it next chapter. But keep in mind, this story is Ichigo-centric. I want to focus on him and how everything concerning Rukia is affecting him, not the logistics of soul society and Rukia being a shinigami. So I apologize if it seems the coming explanations of her becoming a shinigami seem half-assed.

Thank you to those who have read, reviewed, favorited and alerted the story thus far!


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